What Do You Think Of My Friend’s Story?
This is my friends story. It is really long so you don’t have to read all of it. I’ll post more if you like it.
Tear Droplet Academy: The Fight Commences
Chapter 1: A Surprising Gift
No. No. No. I couldn’t BELIEVE that terrible, exotic crisis that had to happen to ME, Isabelle Montielle! I got an 89% on my Accelerated Math Test! I can’t believe it! I felt so confident when I took the test, but I forgot to show some of my work and BAM I got a B+! Come on! On the day of my 12th Birthday I completely bombed a math test. There was no doubt that I’d be in trouble when I got home.
The bike I was riding was a slick, shiny, salmon bike I had gotten the previous Christmas. It had a navigation system put in it. My dad even got the famous cyclist David Byrne to sign mine! He was close with countless famous people and I got all of their signatures! He worked as a Real Estate person. He worked in the areas where all the movie stars bought condos and mansions like my own. My best friends Jenny and Kira had the same bikes in purple and aquamarine.
I was so happy to turn around the familiar bend and see my lovely mansion. The outside was painted in a light tan color. My parents were OBSESSED with shrubbery, so our house was surrounded by it. The white door had many fine carvings in it to make patterns of diamonds and squares. Parked outside were the Porsche and Ferrari. I finally arrived at my 5-story house to find my personal chef, Marius cooking something smelling so amazingly and inadequately delicious. It could only be his homemade spaghetti and tomato sauce. I walked in with a true look of melancholy that I could not rate.
“SURPRISE!†I heard shouted with great force and volume. I jerked upward with great fright. I hopped around like an electrocuted jumping bean to see who scared me. It was my grandparents, mom, dad, and a bunch of more friends from school like Natalie, Ebony, Maya, Layne, and Kristy. I stretched my face into the largest grin I could manage. My friends and family had thrown me a surprise birthday party. I was so grateful and content with their kind and friendly behavior. I got many wonderful presents. A few of them were DVDs, classic books, an iPod touch, and an Algebra Textbook from my grandparents. A bit unusual you say? I can’t agree, after all, it was an Algebra test I got an 89% on…
But my favorite of all was the very last one. It was the least expected. My mother and father handed it to me after everyone had left. It was 11:21 PM exactly. I remember. Before they gave it to me, I just wanted to thrust myself onto my lavender/indigo bed and curl up against my puppy, Kane. Just as I was about to follow through with my seemingly well-figured plan, my mother giggled, “Um, we have some uh, news for you Izzy.â€
“Uh okay guys but PLEASE, can I go straight to bed right after?†I half-awake wondered.
“Sure Izz, but I don’t know if you’re going to want to go ‘straight to bed’ after this news.†My father cleverly put.
“Isabelle, you got this letter in the mail today. Your father and I opened it prior, of course. We hope you won’t mind.†My mom handed me an elaborately decorated envelope with a rugged end on the top. The envelope was covered in shapes that looked similar to that of teardrops. I could see a grand castle on the back of the envelope. I figured that this must’ve been a prank. Anyway, I opened up the envelope and found a quite lengthy letter. Word for word, this is what it read:
Dear Isabelle Maria Montielle,
We are proud, at Tear Droplet Academy, to invite you to join our university for training to become a refined (castette, caster). We encourage you to practice using spells from now until you arrive at our gates. There is no admission fee. However, you may choose not to come and join us if you wish. That would be quite a foolish mistake. If you have no idea whatsoever of what a castette is, it is a magical female that’s ancestors were born in the golden city of Castantine. Don’t know who Castantine is? Don’t know how to make a hyper potion? If you are curious, then come to Tear Droplet Academy to find out and make new friends. We hope you’ll enjoy everything it has to offer. You will share a dorm with one other in training. There will be twelve periods. The classes are: Manners, Casting, Defense, Art, Music, Arithmetic, Science, History, Vocabulary, Potions, and Improvising. Lunch will not be a class, merely a period. On July 31, you will receive your schedule. The materials you will need are on the back of the letter. Your parent/guardian should know where to take you shopping. The first day of training is August 1. The last day of training this semester is January 1.
Thank you,
Headmistress, Glopenheir
“Wow.†I mumbled with astonishment, “Why didn’t you guys tell me about these, these Castee thingies?†I curiously countered.
“T
Mar 21st 2010 • 22:03
by =D
I didn’t get the 1st paragraph. maybe write something like this (after that paragraph):
I grumbled to myself as I rode home on my FAVORITE bike…
Or something like that. They just need to either a) put in a better transition so it is more smooth or b) delete that paragraph completely and find another way to introduce the main character.
They also should try smoothing out the adjectives. What I mean is that they should combine a few sentences, just so it is more smooth. I’ll use the same paragraph as the person before me, the one where they describe the house. Instead of describing the house in multiple sentences, you could say:
I sighed with relief when I saw my home. The familiar 5-story russet house lined with perfectly hemmed shrubbery (which are my parents’ pride and joy) seemed to call my name. As soon as I reach the driveway, I parked my bike behind the Porsche and Ferrari that occupied the garage. As I stepped through the front door, the aroma of homemade spaghetti caught my attention. This was a sure sign that Marius, my personal chief, was making a BIG dinner, and it was going to me GREAT!
Then just go on and what not…I hope this helps! =D
Mar 21st 2010 • 23:03
by peace_luv_Justin_Bieber <3333
This is my friends story. It is really long so you don’t have to read all of it. I’ll post more if you like it.
Tear Droplet Academy: The Fight Commences
Chapter 1: A Surprising Gift
No. No. No. I couldn’t BELIEVE that terrible, exotic crisis that had to happen to ME, Isabelle Montielle! I got an 89% on my Accelerated Math Test! I can’t believe it! I felt so confident when I took the test, but I forgot to show some of my work and BAM I got a B+! Come on! On the day of my 12th Birthday I completely bombed a math test. There was no doubt that I’d be in trouble when I got home.
The bike I was riding was a slick, shiny, salmon bike I had gotten the previous Christmas. It had a navigation system put in it. My dad even got the famous cyclist David Byrne to sign mine! He was close with countless famous people and I got all of their signatures! He worked as a Real Estate person. He worked in the areas where all the movie stars bought condos and mansions like my own. My best friends Jenny and Kira had the same bikes in purple and aquamarine.
I was so happy to turn around the familiar bend and see my lovely mansion. The outside was painted in a light tan color. My parents were OBSESSED with shrubbery, so our house was surrounded by it. The white door had many fine carvings in it to make patterns of diamonds and squares. Parked outside were the Porsche and Ferrari. I finally arrived at my 5-story house to find my personal chef, Marius cooking something smelling so amazingly and inadequately delicious. It could only be his homemade spaghetti and tomato sauce. I walked in with a true look of melancholy that I could not rate.
“SURPRISE!†I heard shouted with great force and volume. I jerked upward with great fright. I hopped around like an electrocuted jumping bean to see who scared me. It was my grandparents, mom, dad, and a bunch of more friends from school like Natalie, Ebony, Maya, Layne, and Kristy. I stretched my face into the largest grin I could manage. My friends and family had thrown me a surprise birthday party. I was so grateful and content with their kind and friendly behavior. I got many wonderful presents. A few of them were DVDs, classic books, an iPod touch, and an Algebra Textbook from my grandparents. A bit unusual you say? I can’t agree, after all, it was an Algebra test I got an 89% on…
But my favorite of all was the very last one. It was the least expected. My mother and father handed it to me after everyone had left. It was 11:21 PM exactly. I remember. Before they gave it to me, I just wanted to thrust myself onto my lavender/indigo bed and curl up against my puppy, Kane. Just as I was about to follow through with my seemingly well-figured plan, my mother giggled, “Um, we have some uh, news for you Izzy.â€
“Uh okay guys but PLEASE, can I go straight to bed right after?†I half-awake wondered.
“Sure Izz, but I don’t know if you’re going to want to go ‘straight to bed’ after this news.†My father cleverly put.
“Isabelle, you got this letter in the mail today. Your father and I opened it prior, of course. We hope you won’t mind.†My mom handed me an elaborately decorated envelope with a rugged end on the top. The envelope was covered in shapes that looked similar to that of teardrops. I could see a grand castle on the back of the envelope. I figured that this must’ve been a prank. Anyway, I opened up the envelope and found a quite lengthy letter. Word for word, this is what it read:
Dear Isabelle Maria Montielle,
We are proud, at Tear Droplet Academy, to invite you to join our university for training to become a refined (castette, caster). We encourage you to practice using spells from now until you arrive at our gates. There is no admission fee. However, you may choose not to come and join us if you wish. That would be quite a foolish mistake. If you have no idea whatsoever of what a castette is, it is a magical female that’s ancestors were born in the golden city of Castantine. Don’t know who Castantine is? Don’t know how to make a hyper potion? If you are curious, then come to Tear Droplet Academy to find out and make new friends. We hope you’ll enjoy everything it has to offer. You will share a dorm with one other in training. There will be twelve periods. The classes are: Manners, Casting, Defense, Art, Music, Arithmetic, Science, History, Vocabulary, Potions, and Improvising. Lunch will not be a class, merely a period. On July 31, you will receive your schedule. The materials you will need are on the back of the letter. Your parent/guardian should know where to take you shopping. The first day of training is August 1. The last day of training this semester is January 1.
Thank you,
Headmistress, Glopenheir
“Wow.†I mumbled with astonishment, “Why didn’t you guys tell me about these, these Castee thingies?†I curiously countered.
“T
Mar 22nd 2010 • 00:03
by Ervin
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